I am reading Brene Brown’s book, “I Thought it was Just Me, But it isn’t.”
It's a great book on how shame isolates us in our relationships from others. In the midst of our shame, it appears as if we are the only ones who don't have it together.
Nowhere have I experienced this more than in the case of our parenting in adoption. Our struggling kids didn't follow the typical path of most kids. As they acted out their fears and struggles resulting from early trauma I responded in fear of what others would think of me as a mom. My shame came from my own trauma in childhood, of not having a secure attachment with my caregiver. Not having a healthy connection or attachment resulted in my thinking I needed to be "perfect" or needed to be "what they wanted me to be" in order to be "OK" and lovable to my parents. Fast forward thirty years and I am still thinking I need to be the perfect parent in order to be lovable and OK. I got stuck in shame. It held me captive and I couldn't see any options, only that I was "doing it wrong" and "not a good mom." I was isolated and couldn't speak of it for fear that others would find out how "bad" I was. Finding others with like circumstances and being able to speak of it went a long way in bringing healing to my life as well as opening the door to options. I don't have to be the "perfect" mom, have the "typical" or "other family." I, with all my messiness and all my mistakes, am OK.